The X-Factor

So I totally didn't realize auditions for The X-Factor were coming up in less than a month, and now I'm torn over whether or not I should audition because I'm totally unprepared.  I could easily come up with a hundred songs I could sing for the audition, but financially, it would be totally irresponsible to go, especially since there's no guarantee any success would come from the audition.  I'd have to pay for gas and tolls for the drive and a hotel room in New Jersey, and I barely have enough money to pay my bills as it is.  Grrrr.  Well, if it's meant to be, then I'll win the lottery before April 13th.

Speaking of these things (meaning big unrealistic dreams), I had an epiphany yesterday.  I daydream too much.  If you're Liz or Dana, you've already heard me talk about this, so please feel free to stop reading.  The rest of you should keep reading because this gets to be some Inception type schtuff.


I am playing the role of Mal.  If only I could have more of the pretty and less of the crazy...

So, I daydream pretty much 60% of the time I'm conscious these days.  No exaggeration.  It started innocently and gradually with occasional daydreams of getting a nice job in Northern Virginia, being near a bunch of my friends, getting to go to Caps games every other day, having fabulous weekend plans in D.C., being able to pay my bills with no worries, and having my own little apartment--nothing fancy or expensive, but just...a place of my own.  These innocent little daydreams eventually expanded into ridiculous fantasy lands in which I am the most famous and praised singer in the world, I own 60 different properties in 40 different countries, I'm fluent in 18 different languages, I end world hunger by donating ungodly amounts of money to the people who...give food to hungry people, and of course, no fantasy land would be complete unless I'm married to Nicklas Backstrom.  Somehow, we're also mature like 40-year-olds but still look like we're 23 and have 3 ridiculously good-looking kids who all happen to have Nicky's lovely green eyes.  All of them are also good at hockey AND singing and are genius legacy children who will later graduate from UVA with top honors (as a fall-back to their ultimately-successful-anyway singing/hockey careers).  But that's beside the point.

The point is this: if you're looking at me, and I'm looking at something that is not you, I'm probably somewhere in that fantasy land, looking at my little Swedish-Asian kids.  (See?  Crazy Inception stuff.)  It's absolutely insane.  The saddest part is that the reason I'm spending so much time in my fantasy land is because I hate accepting the reality: I have no job, I have no money, I have no place to call my own, I have no love interest, a good majority of my friends are far away, I can't ever go to Caps games, I don't have enough of ANYTHING to end world hunger, I'm only really fluent in one and a half languages, and I don't earn money from singing.  (I actually don't mind that I don't have 3 Swasian kids, though.  At least right now.)

So even though I've always been a dreamer, and even though I don't like to be a quitter, it's definitely time for me to give up the daydreaming.  It's become a vice, almost like an addiction, imagining myself with a life that's better than the one I actually have.  I know that with everything that's going on in the world, this all sounds very trivial and superficial.  True, I never go hungry.  True, I have a bed to sleep in that is not a box on the street.  True, I have so many luxuries that most people don't have.  I guess the bottom line is that I just expected so much more from myself by now.  I expected great, great success.  I expected the fulfillment of at least one of my big dreams.

But my expectations have not been met, and I sit here disappointed and disenchanted with the oyster of the world.  I have found no grains of sand with which to make pearls.  Or...maybe I haven't yet found the means by which to become a pearl?  I've never quite understood what, "The world is your oyster" was supposed to mean, actually...

Anyway, the daydreaming has to stop.  Because I create fantasy worlds that are so much better than the real one I live in that when I have to come out of the daydream, I feel a sense of loss, like someone took away my filet mignon and gave me some roadkill for dinner.  I'm not like Mal from Inception because I absolutely know the difference between what's real and what's fake, but like her, I totally enjoy the fake world better than the real one.  I also don't plan on jumping out of a building and then blaming it on Leonardo DiCaprio so that he has to live in exile and has to do crazy dream experiments so that he can get that good-looking Asian man to clear his name in the US so that he can finally go home to his kids.  I don't plan on doing that.  So...in case you were worried.....don't be...

Topic sentence: If I'm going to be OK with my reality, I need to take the time to live in it, and maybe I can find ways to make it better.  (I'm feeling sassy, so I'm gonna leave my topic sentence at the end of my essay.  BOO-YAH!)

So I'm inconsistent...

Who isn't these days?  I've decided that I'm really terrible at blogging on the regular, but I will NOT let this blog die!  I refuse!

Here's my excuse for not blogging more often (and I think it's a good one): many (or none) of you may know that I've struggled with multiple bouts of depression ever since I was 16 years old.  For awhile, I had my head above water, and I was doing all right, but gradually, I've been sinking, and now I'm not really doing all right at all.  It doesn't help, of course, that I've now reached the rough one-year mark on the job-searching front only to be met with disappointment after disappointment, rejection after rejection (one particularly exciting and potentially life-changing opportunity having been very recently snatched from me by what I assume and hope are more capable hands).  But that's not exactly the root of my depression, of course.  It's just a contributing factor.  The rest is, well...all in my head.

Anyway, what may or may not be the source of my depression is sort of beside the point.  You know those commercials about depression where the voice-over says stuff like, "Does it feel like it takes everything you have just to get out of bed in the morning?" or "Do you feel like you've lost interest in everything that used to make you happy?"  You know those?  Well, they're nothing like actual depression.  I'm not saying those statements aren't true--they certainly are.  I'm saying that explaining or describing it and actually experiencing it are two very different things.  That's why I'm not going to describe it.  I'm not trying to be any more of a Debbie Downer than I already have been to everyone I freaking know.


I'm not ambitious enough to Photoshop my face into this.  Sorry, reader.

I fully believe that if you've never experienced ACTUAL depression (I'm not just talking about the blues), then you will never really be able to understand what it's like, even with the best descriptions in the world.  In a way, I guess I put myself on some weird pedestal.  I know what depression is like, and you don't, so THERE.  It's a self-alienating disease (and yes, I consider it an actual disease), and regardless of the fact that it is a mental or emotional disease, it has several physical consequences.

BUT that's ALSO not the point of this blog.  The point is that there are still small, shiny spots inside the abyss of depression, little beacons of light that manage to cheer me up, even in my darkest moments.  I encountered a few of those today, and I just want to give due credit.  Note: these are only the ones that I encountered today.  If you think you should be on my ultimate list of rainbows and sunshine, then you probably are, but I didn't interact with you much today.  Please don't be offended.

1.  This person:

That's Liz, my best friend.  Other than myself, she bears the brunt of my depression, I think.  All day long, she and I text while she's at work (hahaha), and every time I'm feeling particularly down, all I do is moan and groan about how much my life sucks.  On top of that, when she offers me encouragement, I snottily shoot her down, and I'm downright rude and unpleasant to her a lot of times.  But she still loves me and tries to encourage me to be positive, and she never lashes out against me for how I treat her because she knows I'm not acting like myself.  It's always easier to take things out on the people who you know will still love you afterward.

2.  This picture:

I've talked about him before.  Nicklas Backstrom of the Washington Capitals is pretty much a dreamboat to me (and a whole lot of other girls who are, of course, my worst enemies).  So...I'm not gonna lie.  Most of the "official" pictures of Nicky are actually not very flattering at all.  I've labeled him the Least Photogenic Hot Dude Ever.  BUT I recently (re)discovered this website capsinpictures.com, and I have to take that label off of him now.  The candid shots of him that are all over this website are usually the cutest freaking pictures I have EVER SEEN.  THIS particular picture actually, genuinely makes me smile.  Every time I see it.  He's so cute!  Totes adorbs.  Love him.  Love this pic.  Thanks, capsinpictures.com.

3.  My mom:

That was my mom (with my oldest sister Teri) back in the late 70s-ish.  Hee hee hee.  Aren't they presh?  Oddly enough, this is the only picture I have of my mom that's accessible from my computer.  She still looks the same, pretty much.  One of the blessings of aging Asian.  Anyway, my mom has never been super affectionate.  It's just not how she is.  Mostly, we kids have come to accept that fact.  But today she was comforting and encouraging in a way only a mother can be, and it made my day not-as-terrible as it could have been.

4.  This guy:

Obvi, that's me, and that guy is my good friend Paul, and we're clearly awesome (this was YEARS ago by the way).  I don't get to see him often because he lives a few states away, but he's in town this week, so he called me, and we get to hang out yayyyyyy!  Paul is one of those people who is almost always entertaining to me.  If he laughs at something I say or do, I feel special and hilarious.  I love Paul.  Love you, stupid. 

5.  This guy:

And this guy (on the right):

The first is Brooks Laich, the second is Alex Ovechkin.  Hockey is one of those big shining beacons in my life--I look forward to hockey all the time.  I could watch hockey all day, every day.  Anyone who doesn't get why I'm so obsessed with hockey should just know this: I can't give any specific reasons for why I love hockey, but the fact is I love it, and it is one of the only things that makes me happy these days.  So accept it.  Anyway, the Caps played the Islanders tonight, and after 59 minutes of pure torment and being behind by one goal most of the time, Brooksie scored the game-tying goal with only 47 seconds left in regulation, which took us into overtime, which was ended within two minutes by a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL goal from Ovie, therefore winning the game.  And any sports fan knows that the outcome of your team's game can make or break your entire day.  These two men made my night, for sure.  I didn't include Nicky (pictured on the left, next to Ovie) because...let's just say he didn't play his best game tonight.  Hahaha.  Ohhh sweet Nicky...

6.  My sister and nephew:

Angela and Aidan.  Despite the fact that we live together, I pretty much never see them because I keep such an odd schedule.  And any day that I get to see my sister and not fight with her is a good day. :)

7.  This person:

That's Eunice, another of my long-time besties.  She and I got to chat for a little while today, and I'm glad we did.  We don't get to talk much anymore, and I miss her.  She and I always have a lot to talk about--we're able to be super silly together or super sentimental, and anytime we talk or hang out, it's always good.  And it's her birthday!  Happy birthday, Eunice! <3

I think that concludes the list for today.  Through the cloud of depression, it's often difficult to acknowledge and appreciate the good things.  I just thought it was important to take stock of all the good things that happened today.  I'm going to sleep in a much happier state than I was in when I woke up.  I am grateful.