This is what happens when my hands are idle...

Like some people, I have a lot of things going on inside my noggin.  I'm happy to say that most of the time I find those things interesting enough to write down.  When I was younger and really didn't know myself at all, I kept a diary.  I spoke to it like it was a person, which in retrospect is really creepy.  But after awhile, the pages either ran out or I just stopped caring.  In fact, the latter is probably much more likely.  The bottom line is, diaries don't work for me, but I need somewhere to write things, and this seems like a good place to start.

It has been a long-established truth that try as I might, I can't ever become "popular" online.  I've had blogs before that only I ever really read, and if other people read them, it was because they were depressingly bored or probably stupid.  I posted about things like having crushes on boys and...being mad at my friends.  It was really, really stupid.  But the fact is, aside from the fact that my old blogs were all...stupid, people just don't seem to like the online persona I have come to create, and to be honest, that concerns me a little more than it should.  I mean really, I can be ANYONE I want to be online, and you STILL don't like me?  That's really discouraging.  I know people (person) who has an unsettling amount of success with her online persona.  I don't envy her that, but it does make me wonder what her online persona has that mine doesn't.   (I've named mine Peaches...just now.  I did that just now.)  Well, hers has confidence, and Peaches relies heavily on self-deprecation (not to be confused with self-defecation eww).  Hers has lots of pictures that look nothing like her, and Peaches has pictures that look...well...they mostly just look like me.  (I couldn't find a more recent picture on my computer, but I haven't changed much since I was 17, except for that pesky 50 lbs. I've been trying to lose.)  Hers is actually pretty smart and has lots of friends, where Peaches pretends to be dumb and also pretends she is lonely all the time...

So since I'm not good at being not-myself, here's the deal with this blog: I'm going to be 100% honest all the time, starting now.  Here are some things about me:

1.  Many of you may not like to hear this, but I started smoking when I was about 19 years old.  By the time I was 20-ish, I was smoking a pack-a-day.  A year later, I was smoking even more than that.  You can see where this is going, right?  Probably.  Actually, maybe not.  Today, I am smoke-free.  I AM SO PROUD I WANT TO SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!  But unfortunately, I've been trying (probably unsuccessfully) to hide the fact that I was a smoker from several people in my life.  Imagine my dismay when I couldn't post, "I NEED A CIGARETTE!" on my Facebook status on day 2 of that quitting trip.  It was significant.  The dismay, that is.  But I am dismay-less now!  And more-or-less smoke-free (with the help of encouraging friends, Orbit gum, bottled water, and my magical antidepressant).

2.  I am on an antidepressant and probably will be for the rest of my life.  If I'm close to you, then you know this about me already.  In fact, If I'm close to you, feel free to stop reading this because you know all of this anyway.  The sad, sad truth is I have been clinically depressed since high school.  Depression marred my college experience.  I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.  It has changed me as a person, and it has undoubtedly changed my entire future.  But we'll return to futures, destinies, fates, etc. at a later time (probably).

3.  The Newdos also changed me as a person.  "What are the Newdos?" you ask?  The Newdos (pronounced noo-dohz) are...is...are...were...are my a cappella group.  Yes.  I was in an a cappella group in college: 

The New Dominions aka "The Newdos"

Oh, wait.  That was from when I was a middle-aged man.

The Newdos from the Era of the Dinosaurs or 2006-ish

That's more like it.  Ain't we purdy?  Yes, we are.  Many of these people (and many others who are not pictured because they weren't in the group during this particular concert) made me better in pretty much every way possible.  They made me a better singer and performer, a better comedienne, a better friend, a better leader, a better follower, a better student, a better person.  And they only judge you if you suck in some way.  And even then, they'll probably still like you.  Or at least be nice to you.

4.  I have a best friend who has been my best friend since we were kids, and we haven't lived in the same town since about 2 years after we met (we met 13 years ago).  It's a phenomenon I can't explain, but it's almost like we share the same mind sometimes.  We will more often than not be wearing the exact same color nail polish on accident.  Or will be thinking/saying similar things at similar times and will realize this coincidence because we were both about to tell the same exact story at the same time.  It's seriously eerie.  Anyway, I don't even have to talk about how she's changed me as a person because I'm probably only still a person because of her.

5.  I have siblings.  Two sisters, one brother.  They more-or-less raised me.  They're the reason I ever even became a person.  That's not to say I don't have parents.  I do.  But in terms of emotional rearing, they were...not as significant as the siblings.  We don't always get along, but we do always love each other.

That's just the tip of this crazy iceberg.  It's 4 in the morning.  My idle hands have created this monster (call this the devil's workshop, I guess--heh heh, see what I did there?).  I've now re-watched the Washington Capitals beat the New York Islanders for the second time today (meaning I watched the game again, not that they played twice and won both times, though that would be pretty sick).  By the way, I really, really like hockey.  This is a new development.  Some people blame HBO's 24/7 Pens/Caps Road to the Winter Classic special (which I have seen about a dozen times).  But I must defend my own honor and the honor of all those involved.  I blame my best friend.  Yes, it's true, she has been obsessed with the Caps for years, and I only really just got into the Caps AFTER the HBO thing started, but it was not BECAUSE of the HBO thing.  I started watching a game one day in December just because, and I fell in love, even though we lost.  I would say it's because I was suffering nicotine withdrawal and needed to replace that addiction with another, but I think it's just...meant to be.  Jessie + Hockey = MFEO.  Deal with it.

Bed time.  Big things are about to happen.  Not in my bed.  I just mean...in the near future.  I hope.